Saturday, April 20, 2013

Four Years

I always find this post hard to write and even try to talk myself out of writing it.  But as much as it might seem easier to gloss over this day when I would rather not think about it, I think I would feel far worse to ignore it altogether.  My memories from that day are seared into my brain, in such riveting detail it doesn't seem possible.  I spent the day at home with Hannah, as per the norm. I had my camera out and took lots of pictures of my very new and beautiful girl.  
I took this one while playing with Hannah especially with Nick in mind.  Nick and I have a long running joke about Tylenol so I knew he would like it and he did.  The outfit she is wearing in the photo is the same outfit she came home in from the hospital. My absolute favorite.

I spent the day looking forward to the evening ahead.  Andrew and I had plans to go downtown to spend time with a group of Regent friends.  I was especially excited because it was the first time we would introduce all of them to them to Hannah.  We had a lot of fun that evening and I remember that the weather was nice.

Now all of this is incidental, but I remember it as if it was yesterday, regardless of the time that has passed.  Often you hear that 'time heals' or 'it gets better with time.'  But sometimes it doesn't; not for me and not for my family.  My world was shaken that day, and my heart hurt irreparably (this side of heaven).  But in it I have always felt held.  I have a hope for a time when all things will be made right and my pain taken away.  

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.
Revelation 21:1-7

While I have joy for the hope to come still I grieve now.  I look for things that help me. I don't like going to the cemetery; I would rather visit the memories I have stored up.  I appreciate the sweet gift of dreams to visit one so loved, who for a moment can seem close.  I find relief in songs that mirror my own feelings. Recently, a song by JJ Heller called "Your Hands" has meant a lot to me.  This part of the song in particular resonates:

Your Hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world 
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
JJ Heller

Until then; I miss you Nicholas.

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